David’s heart pounded in his chest, and dreaded the thought circling in his mind- he was right, again.
I’m intrigued by what David is right about, but you may want to consider finding a different phrase for “pounded in his chest” — not that it’s not accurate, but it’s slightly cliched.
Uh, I stumbled a bit.
Check your word order after the comma.
The way you have it now suggests that David’s heart dreads the thought.
I like the sentence, but I think it could be tightened. I don’t think you need the part after the hyphen.
Is there a “he” missing before “dreaded”? This doesn’t quite grab me – I might start with whatever he’s right about again instead.
I stumbled a bit in the same place Nicole did. Other than that little snag, though, this is very good and I’m really curious about what’s going on.
Thanks for sharing 🙂
Agreeing with Cheree. Could use tightening. I would yank out the whole heart bit.
“David dreaded the realization dawning in the back of his mind: he was right. Again.”
Which technically makes it two sentences, but I think gives it more impact. Also, who is “he”? David? Or someone else? If someone else, I would italicize he, or give the person a name.
I think the first comment is right. There is something wrong with the word order. You could repost it tomorrow and get new comments.
I am curious what it is David’s right about again… but think this can be tightened up as well. As written it is his heart that is doing the dreading. I would find another word for pounded… it is overdone. But, for what its worth:
David’s heart pounded at the thought circling in his mind- he was right. Again.
David dreaded the thought that was circling in his mind again, it made his heart do flips inside his chest- not a comfortable feeling.
Just a suggestion….
Best wishes with your entry. 🙂
Can a hear dread? Reads awkwardly, maybe a pronoun would help?
I like the tension here, but agree with the comments that right now it sounds like his heart is what’s dreading and not him. I think just a little rewording and you’ll have an amazing hook.
Interesting. You might consider leaving out the heart and just going with the dread.
Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for the helpful comments everyone. You were spot on with the advice! Good luck to everyone in the contest!
It takes a lot of guts to put your work out there.
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