It Was a Dark and Stormy Blogfest Contest

Brenda Drake is hosting a contest for a wonderful prize from Weronika Janczuk.  My entry is below, let me know what you think.
Name: Susie Sheehey
Title: Under the Covers
Genre: Contemporary Romantic Suspense

David’s heart pounded in his chest, and dreaded the thought circling in his mind- he was right, again.


14 thoughts on “It Was a Dark and Stormy Blogfest Contest

  1. I’m intrigued by what David is right about, but you may want to consider finding a different phrase for “pounded in his chest” — not that it’s not accurate, but it’s slightly cliched.

  2. Is there a “he” missing before “dreaded”? This doesn’t quite grab me – I might start with whatever he’s right about again instead.

  3. I stumbled a bit in the same place Nicole did. Other than that little snag, though, this is very good and I’m really curious about what’s going on.

    Thanks for sharing 🙂

  4. Agreeing with Cheree. Could use tightening. I would yank out the whole heart bit.

    “David dreaded the realization dawning in the back of his mind: he was right. Again.”

    Which technically makes it two sentences, but I think gives it more impact. Also, who is “he”? David? Or someone else? If someone else, I would italicize he, or give the person a name.

  5. I am curious what it is David’s right about again… but think this can be tightened up as well. As written it is his heart that is doing the dreading. I would find another word for pounded… it is overdone. But, for what its worth:

    Perhaps:

    David’s heart pounded at the thought circling in his mind- he was right. Again.

    Good luck!
    Corinne
    http://www.corinneoflynn.com

  6. David dreaded the thought that was circling in his mind again, it made his heart do flips inside his chest- not a comfortable feeling.

    Just a suggestion….

    Best wishes with your entry. 🙂

  7. I like the tension here, but agree with the comments that right now it sounds like his heart is what’s dreading and not him. I think just a little rewording and you’ll have an amazing hook.

Comments are closed.